The Misapplied Criminal Mind

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Born 1973. Haven't died yet, despite several near-misses.

Doing stuff.
Fiddly things.


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Blog Links
Just some of the great blogs I keep stumbling on. Go for an explore, and if you see any really good ones, let me know...

- the hottest blogger I know.
- I hate knitting. However, I love this blog. Who'd have thought?
- If you ask me, it's perpetual brilliance!
- 'nuff said.
Inspired - inspiring.
- ...into light.
Xenouveau - Her from Sadisticland.
All Geek To Me - Fun from Scout Finch.

The HAL9000 Report - WARNING! - Controversy!

Elven Sarah - Witty and weird, a bit like me (but witty).
Sedgefield - A nice blog, which may have died from meme deficiency...
Lorianne - A great lady had a great blog. Hopefully it returns...
superphase - A stick hero for the masses...
Sadly, we have been given the cold Shoulder.
- a great blog from the continent, nice and warm there.
Selfindulgence - Not indulgent any more.
She Speaks - The star-crossed lover is now silent.
Organic Feminism - A tremendous blog. Even though she calls me Scoots *shudder*
You can no longer get your soup fix from souplover.

The Witches of Elswick
Lair of the Strong Bad - 3D Chat - Sweets

My mood is: The current mood of winstonsmith at

Hits since 28/07/2004:

Blogarama - The Blog Directory

Entries you may have missed
Behold The Freak!!!
Insert Title Here...
Cycling woes.
Happy Easter, etc.
Back Seat Blogger
Remember Sammy Jankiss
Journey from Hell...
I have returned...
My warbly song...
Astral Projection
Tick followed tock...
Another Week

Link Images
If you want to put a little picture on your site linking to this one, then you can use one of these images...

If you use one, try to host it yourself, I can't be certain how long the website will be up...

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Thursday, April 15, 2004

I typed it out, read it, had a cup of tea, re-read it, and deleted it.
Why deprive the world of the FANTASTIC blog?

Well, partly because it wasn't FANTASTIC at all, and partly because some of its content was posting for posting's sake.

I've decided that instead of posting the FANTASTIC blog (or blog as I've come to call it), I'll talk about it, include some of the good bits, and try to squeeze it into some kind of topical context. Tricky, and it might not work, but, hey! What the heck!


I have this annoying personality trait. I develop crushes all too easily, usually instantly, and against all logic and reason. But then again, this is the nature of the crush:

Crush: (n) - The feeling of total and abject love for someone, without any reasonable basis in reality. The recipient of this (usually unwanted) attention is believed to be the perfect match for the person having the crush, although it is unlikely that there is any evidence for this. A crush is usually harmless, unless it develops into a psychosis (see Stalker).
(Winston Inglish Dictionary)

There seems to be a malfunction with my heart. It skips a beat so often, or rises to my throat, or aches, that I wonder if I'm having one long arrest. It's stretched and distended, as I fall in love over and over again.

So there you have it. I develop crushes all the time. I really thought that I'd be over that kind of thing by now, particularly at my age. I think I've been getting my water out of the wrong tap or something. Why does this always happen to me?! I don't want a crush, and I definitely don't need one!

I'm in a state of perpetual confusion, my life seems to be whirling by as I grind to a complete halt.

Women beware. I am damaged goods.


I suppose I should elaborate on the previous statement.
I haven't kept it a secret, but by the same token, I haven't mentioned it earlier. In 1995 I made a dreadful mistake. I met a woman in January, and married her in September. My family held their tongues, and everything seemed fine. Except I had an indistinct nagging in the back of my mind, like a cough you can't clear. This persistent feeling in my mind caused me to withdraw into myself, and I found it harder and harder to express my feelings.

She has a few neuroses, which she tries to kill with alcohol, but sadly they thrive on that particular toxin. She would become a moody drunk, and occasionally lash out. Mainly at me. We both drank quite heavily, and it took me a long time to notice, but when I did, things gradually deteriorated.
It got to the point where she lashed out at me during my sister's housewarming party. I stormed off, and wandered the streets for an hour. I decided to return after that, but I'd become hopelessly lost, and it took another hour after that to get back. When I did, the mood of the party was different. My sister was in a foul mood, and my wife (who I shall call Kate) was crying for me to come back.

It wasn't until a few months ago till I found out what had actually happened. After I left, my sister had been told that Kate was sat in a drunken moaning heap in the bathroom. She went to help, and Kate tried to attack her. Now, my sister is a gym teacher, so she had no trouble restraining her, but the incident was enough to convince her that Kate was bad news.
Eventually, after she'd tried to smother me with a pillow, I realised I couldn't control myself for much longer. I spent more and more time on the PC, looking for distractions, and it wasn't long till she accused me of having an affair. I gave up. I told her I'd had enough, and I wanted a divorce.
Until the house is sold, however, we're stuck with each other. Neither of us can afford to buy it from the other, and we need to clear off a fair bit of joint debt. Of course, this makes every day like Assault on Precinct 13; tense, dangerous, and a little tacky. Occasionally, since the breakup, we've had blazing rows, such as the time she tried to stab herself with the breadknife, but nothing I hadn't resigned myself to. She lives her life downstairs, in the room with the winebottles, and I live mine upstairs, in the room with the broadband connection.
We have a buyer, so with a little luck, we'll be free of each other in a month or so. It won't come soon enough for me, for at the moment I feel like I have no home.

Well, there you have it.

Posted at 08:29 pm by Paul

October 26, 2005   11:04 AM PDT
The contradiction of Orwell, depressing and just all that. (1984, better than that, surely it is.) It's been a long time since this post, and I hope the road has turned brighter. Good luck mate!
April 29, 2004   10:14 AM PDT
i've learned a lot from you..tnx
April 19, 2004   01:30 PM PDT
I understand the thing about falling in love. I've fallen for too many of my friends before realising what a mistake it was/is everytime I do it.

But thats not the thing. The thing is, Lorianne is right.

Its a moment, it will pass. Good luck with your future. Cheers to you.
April 17, 2004   01:09 AM PDT
I dont know what to say about yout marriage coz Im still young but at lest your not in that marriage where it seemed you both was not happy.

I love to have crushes, so easy to get over.

April 16, 2004   11:25 PM PDT
aw Winston, *huggles*
April 16, 2004   04:39 PM PDT
things will turn around..they always do..hang in there winston
April 16, 2004   04:35 PM PDT
Hey sweetheart :)

Perpetually falling in love is a pain in the ass. Particularly if, like me, you fall out of it again annoyingly quickly - or maybe that's just my pickiness kicking in.

Your situation sounds like it sucks, but I'm sure you'll turn out alright in the end - from what I know of you, you are a good person who deserves to be happy. I'll even bestow upon you my magic quote: "This too will pass"...sounds a bit trite now that I say it, but it's been good to me in the past.

And I have to admit to having been a bit curious about the FANTASTIC blog :)

Thanks for the pretty link button! Take care of yourself.
April 16, 2004   08:44 AM PDT
Heartfelt thanks to you all for your wonderful comments. I feel pretty good about it all, so don't worry about any suicide notes from me! It's good to know I have good friends after only having been here for a few weeks. *hugs everyone, the men in a backslapping kind of way*
April 16, 2004   06:51 AM PDT
i wanted to post something. a response of some sort..advice, comfort, cheer...SOMEthing.

then i remembered that words are so limiting & quite comfortless in any real way.

all i can give you is my wish, that when you break free of this brief ugly moment thats is your present life, you do so with unfurled wings.

you're special. you're meant to fly.
April 16, 2004   05:23 AM PDT
I'm really sad to hear that. Just appeared that i'm in such better situation that you are and yet i've always been complaining.

Sigh.. life can be so unfair. But i really appreciate what you wrote here. Thank you Winston!
April 16, 2004   04:15 AM PDT
All I have to say is, Even though you don't know me, or I you, I appreciate your words. It takes a lot of guts to have a blog. P.S.

I love you!
April 15, 2004   11:45 PM PDT

What a tricky situation. I am sorry it turned out the way it did.
April 15, 2004   09:06 PM PDT
ahhh...the crush.
April 15, 2004   08:49 PM PDT
Wow!! All this information in one short blog! I'm sorry about your marriage, Winston. :o( It's never easy, no matter how "good" it is to do. We're all here for you, though!


...................................<hugs again>

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