The Misapplied Criminal Mind

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Born 1973. Haven't died yet, despite several near-misses.

Doing stuff.
Fiddly things.


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Blog Links
Just some of the great blogs I keep stumbling on. Go for an explore, and if you see any really good ones, let me know...

- the hottest blogger I know.
- I hate knitting. However, I love this blog. Who'd have thought?
- If you ask me, it's perpetual brilliance!
- 'nuff said.
Inspired - inspiring.
- ...into light.
Xenouveau - Her from Sadisticland.
All Geek To Me - Fun from Scout Finch.

The HAL9000 Report - WARNING! - Controversy!

Elven Sarah - Witty and weird, a bit like me (but witty).
Sedgefield - A nice blog, which may have died from meme deficiency...
Lorianne - A great lady had a great blog. Hopefully it returns...
superphase - A stick hero for the masses...
Sadly, we have been given the cold Shoulder.
- a great blog from the continent, nice and warm there.
Selfindulgence - Not indulgent any more.
She Speaks - The star-crossed lover is now silent.
Organic Feminism - A tremendous blog. Even though she calls me Scoots *shudder*
You can no longer get your soup fix from souplover.

The Witches of Elswick
Lair of the Strong Bad - 3D Chat - Sweets

My mood is: The current mood of winstonsmith at

Hits since 28/07/2004:

Blogarama - The Blog Directory

Entries you may have missed
Behold The Freak!!!
Insert Title Here...
Cycling woes.
Happy Easter, etc.
Back Seat Blogger
Remember Sammy Jankiss
Journey from Hell...
I have returned...
My warbly song...
Astral Projection
Tick followed tock...
Another Week

Link Images
If you want to put a little picture on your site linking to this one, then you can use one of these images...

If you use one, try to host it yourself, I can't be certain how long the website will be up...

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Friday, June 04, 2004
I have returned...

Well, I should really tell you all about my adventures over the last few weeks, the tribulations of moving and so on, but first, I'll tell you about my sister's new vacuum cleaner.

Dateline: The weekend before the move.
My sister is getting a little nervous about my impending move. It's not my scruffy presence that worries her, but that of Spartacus.
It's time to come clean. I live with a gladiator. Now forget the talk of snails and oysters, this is a fearsome warrior in feline form. He's 9 years old (that's "Up yours, human!" in cat years), and he spends his entire life indulging in one of theses activities:

  • Shedding hair
  • Clawing furniture
  • Sleeping
  • Exploring
  • Being scared by pieces of fluff
  • Being completely unfazed by earthquakes, plane crashes and the like.
  • Picking at his food
  • Demanding cat milk (lactose-free)
  • Demanding to be let out
Most of these are resolvable, and all part of the process of being a cat's slave...owner, but the shedding seems to be the one she has the most trouble with. Despite the fact that the house has only two carpets (master bedroom, landing/stairs), the threading of cat hairs through the carpet fibres can reduce her to a quivering wreck. Her current hoover (not a vac by hoover, just what we call 'em over here) is my old one, and sucks as hard as an asthmatic budgie.

So, we paid a visit to several different showrooms, looking for hoovers. She wanted a bagless one, but not an accursed Dyson.
High and low we searched, until finally we came across a nice hoover.
We got it home, and she proceeded to clean the house, declaring it a minor miracle.

Dateline: Wednesday night
I had a call from my sis, who's staying at the folks' this week. "Don't forget to hoover," she told me.
My mum called from Tenerife, a smalll island in the Atlantic, just off the coast of Africa. "Don't forget to hoover," she said.

I think my family considers me forgetful.

So, 11pm, having forgotten to do it earlier, I decided to tackle the vacuuming. Oh my goodness, what a beast! It's only small, but it has a voracious appetite. It gobbled up all the animal hairs, dust, and optimistically attempted the following:

  • My shoe
  • A bin bag full of clothes
  • 3 rugs
  • the cat
  • my jeans (worn)
  • a sofa

I was drained at the end, it was stronger than me!


That sounds rather suspect...


Friday, May 21, 2004

Open Letter to Car Louts, Thursday

Hey fuckers!
After the events of today I must write this letter. I am so incensed that my hands are shaking as I write, and setting it down is the best way to assuage my murderous feelings.

Firstly, I would like to make one thing crystal clear. If you are driving a car, you are not automatically granted right of way. Nor are you personally blessed as such by some divine figure.

I cannot stress this strongly enough.

Perhaps if you had learnt this lesson, my day might not have been ruined. I can only hope that you learn it soon, although I suspect it would take the crushing of your car by an articulated lorry to teach you.
It therefore follows that a cyclist turning right from a main road to a side road should not be forced to swerve by a car heading the same way from a side road.

Secondly, if you cause the cyclist to swerve by almost hitting him, and then honk your horn at him, don't be too surprised if he makes a less than courteous gesture by return.
Furthermore, it is highly inadvisible to let your passenger wind down his window and spit at the aggrieved cyclist as you drive past. This is deeply insulting at the best of times, and the sort of behaviour that undoubtedly leads to road rage murders.

Granted, the cyclist should probably not then make another disrespectful gesture, but again, acting in the manner described is not respect-generating.
If you follow this behaviour by slamming on your brakes in front of the cyclist, you truly are a cocksucker of the first order, and can look forward to a glittering career as every world leader will clamour for you to suck their cocks. I recommend that you take this profession up full time, as four men driving around in a car at a time of day normally reserved for working, you must be too stupid to do anything else for a living.
I realise as I write that you won't have the higher brain functions necessary to read this, as it uses big words, but it has been quite cathartic, and I feel much better.


(I wrote this yesterday on the train, and I had to post it. Thankfully, today is my last day using the bike, as I'll be moving to my sister's tomorrow and taking the bus from then on.)

Monday, May 17, 2004
Quick Note

Just a quick note to let you all know that I'll be practically offline until I've moved (This weekend coming) and had boradband installed at my sisters.


Thursday, May 13, 2004
Hiding under a shield

I bought a hat. I decided I didn't look ridiculous enough, even with the bicycle clips, so I've attempted to rectify the situation. It was a cheap one, so I don't hold out much hope for it saving my life,but at least the brain damage should be reduced a little.

I am disappointed with myself. Virgin Trains have trounced me, and now have my custom in the afternoons. If I take the local service I can expect to get home an hour later than using the accursed Pendolinos!
At least I can be a subversive sometimes, by sitting in the first class section looking scruffy. I wish I was on one of those trains now. The Quiet Zone should not be shared with a wailing baby. It's worse when it's a wailing toddler...

Monday, May 10, 2004
I got a balloon...

I visited my friends on Saturday. I haven't seen them since the accident, and a visit was long overdue.

I wasn't expecting such a rapturous welcome. A hug, a card, perhaps a few cans. Certainly not a DVD and dinner out. I was overwhelmed, although I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised; they are such great people. So we ate at Frankie and Benny's, an "Italian American Diner" chain, similar to TGI Friday's. The food was excellent, and the staff were first rate. I was given a birthday balloon, and had candles in my dessert. Embarrassed joy!

Later, we played an impromptu game of "guess the theme tune", before they sneaked off to return with a birthday cake. I am now officially scared of self-lighting candles - the magnesium sparks were terrifying. The day was rounded off by a movie and a little surfing. All in all, it was a great day.

Sunday was largely good. I lazed around for a while, tinkered with their PC for them, and fathomed the mysteries of Blender, a 3D modelling program. I called my sister, and we all went out for another meal, also of very high quality. My sis dropped me off at home much later, replete and tired, and I did a little online chatting before bed. I had a little unpleasantness to deal with, but nothing that

This morning I came to work full of joy, one year older, but not one bit wiser. And the first thing I did was read something that wounded me.

A lot of it didn't even phase me. But some things hit far too close to home; I'm choking up just thinking about it. After a great weekend, I feel old and worthless, and just plain stupid.

But I did get a balloon.

Saturday, May 08, 2004
Over the Hill.

That's it.
I'm an old git now. 31 years old, and I feel like 51 some days.
Mind you, I said that last time I had a birthday. I suspect it may be the onset of senile dementia. Never mind.

I was a little depressed yesterday, trying to decide whether my life so far was a waste of time. I know it's not what I expected, and from a certain point of view I'm starting again from scratch this year. I thought about all the people I've hurt, all the mistakes I made.

I never considered the good things. I really should.

In the meantime, I'll be celebrating with friends, and copious quantities of alcohol will be consumed. Not too much though, I'm not as young as I was...

Thursday, May 06, 2004

Guilt is one of my defining characteristics. Looking back I can attribute most of my actions to guilt, trying to assuage it or avoid it.
I tried to keep it contained once, but in the end my mind bulged and cracked like a metaphysical Tetsuo.
My whole marriage was one big guilt trip from one moment. As I stood there waiting for my family to get ready, I realised I was going to be late.

Since then I've learnt to recognise guilt when it strikes.
The sour twisting, the whisper in my ear; "You should be ashamed."

And I always am.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Wednesday Mind Hump

Wednesday Mind Hump - Week 17

This week a "getting to know you" theme with an insane twist.

First, a warm up.  in celebration of our fresh and "Spring"y layout, using the letters B-O-I-N-G reveal five things about yourself.  You can use just one word or just chatter, chatter, chatter.  Either way, just go crazy!

Now...we wouldn't leave you with just half a hump so here's the rest so you can have the hump, the whole hump and nothing but the hump!  Let's hump, shall we?

01.  If your blog were scratch and sniff, what would it smell like?
02.  Which horror movie monster are you most like and why?
03.  If you were being sold in a Walmart, which department would you be in and what exactly would you be?  Would you be on sale?
04.  Earth, Wind, Fire and Water.  Which element would you be.  What form of that element would you be and why?
05.  What sitcom character (past or present) do you think you are most like and why?

B - Benefit of the doubt. I always end up giving people this.
O - Optimist.  I believe that people are generally nice
I - Idiot. This is what the previous answers make me.
N - Nice. I'd like to be nice...
G - Growing up. Something I'm avoiding.

01 - Tour bus odour, just the thought of all those screwed up noses.hehehe.
02 - The vampire alien zombie from Plan 9 from Outer Space. Not very good at acting, played by different people. Likes drinking blood. Muahahaa!
03 - I'd be an umbrella. Always stumbled over, and impossible to find when needed. I'd also be in the sale section, half price.
04 - Water. A lake, calm on the surface, but dangerous to the unwary.
05 - Basil Fawlty. I can get quite het up.

Journey from Hell...

I am whole again. After yesterday morning's journey through Hell, I am once again able to write.
It was raining, gargantuan sheets of water that stung my face and smashed down my body and legs, soaking my trousers and jacket through the waterproof.
I sat down to write about it, in some way purging myself of the memory, when I realised the true magnitude of the horror. I had forgotten my pen!!!

Me without a pen is like a samurai without his katana. Luckily I had a movie magazine to while some time with, or I would have gone insane for sure.

Coming back was infinitely better. I arrived at the station with 10 minutes to spare, to find out that the train I needed to make my connection was delayed by 20 minutes. I eventually missed the connection by 3 minutes, which meant I was looking at a 40 minute wait.

And then, halfway through my macaroon and latte, my phone rang.

All of my woes were forgotten for the rest of the day, and I arrived at home at 7:30, three hours after setting off, quite content, and still talking at length to the wonderful girl who was aware of the spiralling cost of the conversation, but reluctant to curtail it.

I love conversations like this, with pregnant pauses, when we're both too breathless to speak.

And those wistful moments of regret that we were born in the wrong place.


It's all Angelena's fault! If she hadn't persuaded me, I wouldn't have posted my crazy googlism...
For accuracy, I have used my real name (Paul). Don't tell anyone...

paul is leaving (In some cases, this is true)
paul is 'pop billionaire' (Yes, I'm typing this from my yacht)
paul is engaged (Actually, I'm usually vacant)
paul is arrested in the temple (By the religion police)
paul is not dead (that's a relief)
paul is beheaded (I have an itchy neck, it's probably not the same thing)
paul is looking (yep)
paul is our savior (I can't argue with that)
paul is "good to go" (always)
paul is an international catholic (I'm not, but it sounds fun)
paul is (Succinct, to the point. I am)
paul is at best lukewarm about the usa patriot act (meh)
paul is born (I was born, I've tended to avoid it since then)
paul is dead (I am? Could be the beheaded thing)
paul is dead? (You mean you don't know?)
paul is dead ii (hey! A sequel!)
paul is promotions director (cool! I needed a new job)
paul is walking with his eyes closed (That's why my nose hurts...)
paul is a republican member of congress from texas
paul is second favourite to win big brother (That title was MINE, I tell you!)
paul is in prison (Feels like it sometimes)
paul is the author of over a dozen books about windows (including "Why windows sucks" and "Uninstalling Windows for Dummies")
paul is a good host city for the league of historic american theatres 2002 conference (I have plenty of parking and easy access)
paul is insensed (I am incensed by the spelling of this)
paul is rich (like bernaise sauce)
paul is in tux (when I'm playing dress-up as James Bond)
paul is live in cleveland (Limited tickets available)
paul is a four (I think I'm maybe a 3)
paul is a pansy (oo-er)
paul is sent to felix (
paul is live at cheap price in uk (Check phone booths for details)
paul is wack (sho' nuff!)
paul is flanked by a poster showing a likeness of himself (usually)
paul is a bad trader (I buy high and sell low)
paul is canadian (ahh, chance would be a fine thing)
paul is the best there is (I told you!)
paul is named a top 10 washington gadfly (I'm not sure if that's good or not...)
paul is proud to present the 2002 pga tour west coast swing nov
paul is the third lady topper to receive honors this season (odd...I don't seem to recall ever 'topping' a lady)
paul is an awesome two (I still think a 3)
paul is getting married there ("there" being my nightmarish memories)
paul is wonderful actor (actually I suck. More ham than a butcher's shop)
paul is pulling no punches (I never do)
paul is an evolutionist? (it's not that surprising. Darwin was a smart guy)
paul is going to turn on brock (I don't know who Brock is, bu he'd better watch out!)
paul is safe and well (I think so)
paul is wrong (I am always wrong)
paul is back (and badder than ever)
paul is a 27 year old australian who loves technology (close enough, except geographically)
paul is not going to be a father again for the time being (again?! *hides from the CPA*)
paul is awarded the free software foundation award for the advancement of free software; va linux employee is honored for his work on the mesa 3d (Where do I pick it up?)
paul is the leading spokesman in washington for limited constitutional government (well, I don't like to brag)
paul is arrested in jerusalem and goes to caesarea (usually after a very heavy night out)
paul is putting his career back into shape (too right)
paul is a real hero (awww shucks)
paul is the new fred (Yes!! At last! I always envied Fred!)
paul is new aviation secy (so long as I don't get chased around the desk by a jumbo)
paul is moving (In four weeks!!!)
paul is ready to rise (that I am)
paul is a dead man (oo-er. Brock's onto me)
paul is an adult who is free to make his own decisions (don't exaggerate)
paul is almost perfect by keven chavez (thanks keven, I try)
paul is hosting? (Occasionally)
paul is staying put (but only for four weeks)
paul is dying; vatican remains mum (uh oh, I could be dead again)
paul is dead paul is dead paul is dead paul is dead paul is dead paul is dead paul is dead (OK, I'm dead! I get it!)
paul is alive …david crane (At last! Someone know's the truth!)
paul is paul my lady (though, prithee, why forsooth?)
paul is top of the world in athens (They're gonna light my hair instead of the olympic flame, I know it)
paul is here (hide the crockery)
paul is dead' lives(now you're just confused)
paul is in the "right" forum (I guess so)
paul is the newest hummer accessory (buy one, get me free)
paul is charmed (I'm sure)
paul is so hott (I am? *blush*)

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