The Misapplied Criminal Mind

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Born 1973. Haven't died yet, despite several near-misses.

Doing stuff.
Fiddly things.


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Blog Links
Just some of the great blogs I keep stumbling on. Go for an explore, and if you see any really good ones, let me know...

- the hottest blogger I know.
- I hate knitting. However, I love this blog. Who'd have thought?
- If you ask me, it's perpetual brilliance!
- 'nuff said.
Inspired - inspiring.
- ...into light.
Xenouveau - Her from Sadisticland.
All Geek To Me - Fun from Scout Finch.

The HAL9000 Report - WARNING! - Controversy!

Elven Sarah - Witty and weird, a bit like me (but witty).
Sedgefield - A nice blog, which may have died from meme deficiency...
Lorianne - A great lady had a great blog. Hopefully it returns...
superphase - A stick hero for the masses...
Sadly, we have been given the cold Shoulder.
- a great blog from the continent, nice and warm there.
Selfindulgence - Not indulgent any more.
She Speaks - The star-crossed lover is now silent.
Organic Feminism - A tremendous blog. Even though she calls me Scoots *shudder*
You can no longer get your soup fix from souplover.

The Witches of Elswick
Lair of the Strong Bad - 3D Chat - Sweets

My mood is: The current mood of winstonsmith at

Hits since 28/07/2004:

Blogarama - The Blog Directory

Entries you may have missed
Behold The Freak!!!
Insert Title Here...
Cycling woes.
Happy Easter, etc.
Back Seat Blogger
Remember Sammy Jankiss
Journey from Hell...
I have returned...
My warbly song...
Astral Projection
Tick followed tock...
Another Week

Link Images
If you want to put a little picture on your site linking to this one, then you can use one of these images...

If you use one, try to host it yourself, I can't be certain how long the website will be up...

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Monday, July 26, 2004
Another week

My lift has once again let me down, some implausible excuse about being ill! Some people are so selfish, it's just as well he's never charged me for fuel! Ummm....

I set my alarm for 5, and dragged myself through the house, to get ready by 5:30. Of course, the bus was late, so the advantages of losing an extra half hour of sleep were minimised. I bought a cheap monthly ticket. It'll only prove cost effective provided I don't need to make my own way to and from Manchester more than 14 times in the next month. It's doable, but it's the first day and already I'm looking at making the train trip a second time tomorrow. Oddly, I arrived at work 35 minutes earlier than usual, and then found I had depressingly few emails, and I didn't even have any spam!

I had a good weekend, despite my minor laceration, which incidentally now looks like makeup from a zombie film. I didn't actually get out of bed on Sunday, which counts as a victory for lethargics everywhere, or would do, if they could be bothered to celebrate.

A brief note on my brief illness

I hate colds. It's not the sniffling, my nose is usually blocked at the best of times, so I'm used to that symptom. When I catch a cold, however, it hides unnoticed in my sinuses like a master ninja, until it pounces on my chest, leaving me with a cough worthy of someone who smokes through the hole in their neck. So when I was caught in the rain last weekend, I caught a cold, and didn't realise until Monday morning. I hacked and coughed through Monday, and then Tuesday it was worse. I resolved to see the doctor on Wednesday, and return to work on Thursday, but the best laid plans of mice and men...
It was a locum, but this didn't matter, as I've not met my doctor yet. I went in, and he asked "What seems to be the trouble?", to which I replied, "I have a chest infection." He checked me over and agreed; when you've had as many chest infections as I have, they're pretty easy to spot. He gave me the drugs, which I left on the bedside table today (Damn!) and I decided to use my full 3 sick days (any more and I need a note) to convalesce. I watched some movies and generally slobbed around. It was great! In fact, it was so great, I'm planning to be ill again very soon...

Saturday, July 24, 2004
Good News, Bad News...

Good News

Well, I've bought a camcorder. It's last year's model, a Canon MVX100, but it's cheaper for it, and every feature you can shake a stick at. It's lovely! I've already had a play and made a fool of myself in the kitchen...

While I was there I also bought a DVD writer. It was quite cheap for what it was, and I just had to! Now I can make my own movies and distribute them via DVD!!

Of course, I need to think of something to film first.

Bad News

Coasting the wave of retail therapy, I decided to have a generous slice of honeydew melon. Unfortunately the knife slipped, and I ended up with a generous slice of bloody finger.

Ouch. I said.

Luckily it didn't go all the way through, and is just a nasty cut, rather than a mini amputation. I've put a tight plaster on to hold it closed, and there practically no blood on the plaster, although it is throbbing angrily at me. There is a fair bit of blood on the melon, but it adds to the flavour.


I'm going to the pub to nurse my wound and read the manual for my wonderful new friend.

Cough, cough

I've been ill.

Well, kind of.

I've had a chest infection, more on that in a later post (I've been working on it from my death-bed), but the outcome is that I've not got much blogging done. There are probably other reasons I haven't been as verbose of late, but they are of little consequence. The task foremost in my mind at the moment is that I have a list of things I need to do for university (yes! The establishment of my choice is now a university. who'd have thunk it?), and it seems to get longer every time I write it out:

  • Proof of separation. This is a letter from me, and possibly a council tax bill without her name on.
  • Proof of Results. Luckily, this is only my English A-Level I attained at night school. Unluckily, I have been unable to get hold of the certificate or the person responsible. this is trickier now that school has finished for the summer.
  • Resignation. I ought to let my work know officially, as running around the office shouting "hahaha! In your face!" does not usually count as informing your employer.
  • Read the student handbook. It's not too bad, I mean, I read Lord of the Rings, right? Although I may have skipped through the never-ending litany of songs.

I think that's it. Hmmm, it's shorter than I remember. Other tasks will no doubt present themselves at the most inconvenient moment. Of course, there are other things I need to do which aren't really related, but still necessary:

  • Return my book and DVD to the library. I'll be doing this straight after the post. No, I will. Really.
  • Buy a camcorder. I give in. I have to have a digital camcorder, it's hell not being able to just pick one up and make a film on the computer. I may do this later today. The trick is getting the right one...
  • Buy a palm pilot. This isn't necessarily going to happen. I really want one for writing whilst on the bus. I had a laundry catastrophe with my paper notebook which has made me think seriously about it, but I just don't know whether I'll use it enough to warrant shelling out.
  • Buy a bus/tram ticket. Seeing as I am getting a lift in the mornings, I can get a cheaper season ticket, as the expensive one expired yesterday.
  • Buy a bigger hard drive. I may just get an enormous storage device, with a capacity large enough to engulf the earth!!! Hahahahhaha! Or something. Seeing as I'm getting a camcorder, I need more movie space.
  • Buy a wireless network card. The one I had for my laptop was causing so many problems I returned it. However, I suspect the laptop was more likely at fault. I need a replacement, as my sister keeps nabbing this one for the main PC, which is frustrating, not least because I bought it for that one. She's quite right to filch it.
  • Get over it all. As cryptic as it sounds, and destined to remain that way...
  • Give this industrial moisturiser another try. I gave up last time, I didn't like the idea of a huge tub with a pump dispenser. Even less when it's not called moisturiser, but emollient (shudder). I still don't like it, but it's from the doctor, and a lot cheaper than the alternative. I'll have to see whether it's as effective as the sleeker and much prettier alternative.

Damn. It looks like a lot now. I best get going!

Saturday, July 17, 2004

I like Dave Gorman. He's a funny guy, which is probably why he's a comedian...
I watched his series, "Are YOU Dave Gorman?" about his travels around the world hunting for namesakes, and the one where he lived his whole life for a month following horoscopes to the letter.

I knew he'd written about his adventures, and that he had also written a book about googlewhack!ing.
I'd not heard of the idea before, and I couldn't really get my around it, so I left it at that.

However, this morning I needed to pick up a parcel from the post office. A Learning Spanish CD (so I can talk to my sister when she's lived in Mexico for a while), a PC headset (so I can feel like a fighter pilot or something), and Night of The Living Dead on DVD. And they only cost me PnP!
The post office is in a supermarket, so I picked up some grapes and milk, and thought to myself, "Why don't I pop in the library and hire a film?"

I joined the video shop (of course it's a video and DVD library, but you get used to certain terms) and it costs £3.50 to rent a DVD for two nights. then I joined the library, and they actually rent out DVDs too! Except it's £1.80 for a week!

I popped in the library and had a look at the movies, settling on The Hole, which I've heard is average, but it's an independent british film, and as I'm aiming to make those myself, I ought to see it really.

I headed over to draw it out, and then my eyes fell on "Dave Gorman's Googlewhack! Adventure". I grabbed that and made my way home through the torrential rain. I spent the next three hours reading about his fun with google. For those who don't know, if you type two words, without speechmarks, into the google search engine and it finds only one result, that result is a googlewhack.
So I abandoned the washing up, the laundry, and having a bath, and started a googlewhack search. I thought I had some pretty promising ideas, but even obscure attempts like Astral Psychiatric, Interplanetary Librarians, Sasquatch Ellipse and Taramasalata Hodgepodge all had many results, which now include this page, or course. So I carried on searching.

And then I found one. I wont put the words here, as it'll spoil it, but one word is to do with exhaust emissions, and the other is like grumpiness...

Of course, you can't stop with one. For a while longer I was just hunting for random googlewhacks. I never expected to find my own blog was one! I used a word from the title, and the other spelling of tranquilizer, and hey presto! There I am, a googlewhack! There are 3 billion entries in google, so I'm pretty happy that I am unique in a very small way.

Of course, most people will probably think I'm a little mad.

They'd be right.

Thursday, July 15, 2004
The wheels on the bus...

"The wheels on the bus go round and round,
round and round, round and round.
The wheels on the bus go round and round,
all day long."

I hate having to get the bus. Lots of people do. It's bumpy, it's hot, it takes a long time.
I accept this. Most people do.
Today I met someone who couldn't.

I walked to the bus stop from where my friend drops me off after work. I usually have to run, I think the drivers have started trying to race me to the next stop! I wasn't in the mood today, commuting is rapidly becoming more and more tedious.

The bus was filled to capacity. It was a "bendy bus"; two buses conjoined in the middle by a large concertina. I made my way through as it lurched, searching in vain for a seat. And then, right at the back, a seat facing backwards. I plopped down into it, resenting the unaccustomed sensation of reverse movement.
After about 6 stops of the 50, finally a seat became available facing forwards. A couple, in fact. I headed for the nearest one, a double seat. Unfortunately I had a challenger for the space, someone who had boarded the bus at the previous stop.
He was quicker, and sat in the double. Not wanting to wander around forlorn, hunting for another seat, and refusing to sit facing backwards again, I sat down next to him.

He didn't like that.

For the next two stops he muttered under his breath, glaring at me with such hatred I wondered whether I had just stabbed him without realising.
He demanded that I move over, and I moved my coat to see that one seat was evidently not enough for him. "Thankyou!" he spat. It was obvious that "Thank" was not the word he meant. I told him that I had been waiting for a seat facing forwards since the terminus. My words fell on deaf ears.

This animosity continued for another couple of stops, him glaring, me impassive. I thought of pithy comments I could make as I moved to another empty double: "I'm sorry, I didn't realise it was your bus!" and so on.
we were now about 10 stops from the terminus, 40 to go, and he bellowed "Excuse me!"
I moved out of his way and he pushed past me to the back row, where he didn't have any more room. I sat down in the double, and read my book.
To my astonishment, at the next stop he lumbered down the aisle to the front, like a grizzly bear peppered with tranquiliser darts. I seriously thought he was going to land a blow on the driver, but no, he alighted!

All of this trouble for a couple of stops! I shudder to think what would happen if he had farther to go.

No-one sat by me for the other 39 stops.

Thursday, July 08, 2004
The Human Condition - reasonable mileage, one careful owner

I was brought up as a christian, but my parents were very laid back about the whole religion thing, so they never really forced the issue.

I was baptised, and I attended the local C of E (Church of England) primary school (although that may have been because it was less than 600 yards away). Church assembly on a Wednesday morning, the occasional Sunday activity.

I was never Confirmed. I suppose I was never more than "tentative". I decided a long time ago that a lot of organised religion is little more than an excuse for bloodshed. When asked if I believe in God, I always say "I don't believe in religion." It makes me laugh, anyway.

I tend towards the idea that people should just be nice to each other, and not have to justify it to some Elder. Your conscience should be your guide; that is your own personal "God". Perhaps it's naive of me, but I always expect the best of people, and however many times I'm disappointed, I still look for that spark of decency, humanity, or genuine goodness that brings a smile to my face.

That happened today. To that person, thank you.

I have decided that there has also been some kind of catastrophe on a global scale today. Almost everyone I know (myself included) has had, or is having, some sort of crisis.

I think we all need to sit down as a species and have a nice cuppa while this craziness passes.

Friday, July 02, 2004
Tick followed tock...

It has been a particularly trying week.
The train inconvenience, coupled with the lack of any news about my college application, has brought me closer to sanity's precipice than safety permits. My nails are bitten down to the quick, my sleep is fitful and sparse, and my lungs have long since abandoned hope of ever receiving a fresh supply of oxygen.
I called the Institute on Wednesday. "I'm just calling to see whether I've been accepted on the course," I said. I expected the mantra, "Have you filled in an application form?" and knew to reply with the requisite "yes." After couple of minutes there was news. And not the news I'd been hoping for. Not even the news I'd been dreading. No.

The unthinkable.

"Are you sure you've sent one through? You're not in our records."

Ye Gods! Where are you in my hour of darkest peril? Am I forsaken?

I kept the tenuous hold on my sanity with white knuckles, and spoke softly and calmly, through gritted teeth. "I attended an interview 11 days ago. I was expecting a decision by now."
"Oh." The woman at the other end shrugged audibly. "Hold on a minute, please."

I could hear the cogs turning in my watch as the time leached almost imperceptibly away.

Over the course of a decade, another two minutes passed. "Hello? I've been in touch with the building where you had the interview, and they're sending the decision to us tomorrow. We'll call you then."

I breathed again.

Thursday passed. They didn't call.

By lunchtime on Friday, they had still not called.

A small part of me reasoned that they'd want to tell my quickly if I'd been declined, but the rest of me thought that the part in question was a damned fool, and they'd be ganging up on it later. Julian (my inner librarian) paused and cleaned his glasses (spectacles, thank you!). He looked at me, shook his head sadly, and carried on categorizing my memory in accordance with Dewey.

That was it. For better, or (as I suspected) worse, I must know. My left hand has had the shakes since the interview, and it took all my concentration to dial the number without inadvertently ordering a taxi. I asked, as calmly as I could, whether I'd been accepted on the course.

No mantra. Perhaps my slightly desperate tone alerted the receptionist that here was a man over the edge of reason, hanging from a twig which had snagged his jacket.
"Hang on, please". There was a clammy silence.
I could feel tectonic plates shifting beneath me. I was expecting the ground to open up and reclaim me.
"The letter went out yesterday, but-"
I interrupted. I couldn't bear it any longer. My entire nervous system closed down to minimise the damage. My sanity put its coat on and turned out the light by the exit.


I was dead for a split second. I no longer existed; there was only the voice, matter-of-fact and all consuming.

"The acceptance letter. But-"
My ears are almost directly connected to my brain. It is only secondary to my heart. Slowly the muscle contracted, as it started pushing blood around my body again. Eventually, somewhere around "second class post," the brain caught up.
"I've been accepted?"
Never before has a single word filled me with such elation.
"The letter was sent yesterday, but it was only second class post, so you should receive it around the middle of next week."
I thanked her profusely, and hung up. I couldn't decide whether to divert an asteroid on collision course with the Earth, mediate for world peace, or find a cure for cancer. I settled for a deeply unsatisfying attempt at clicking my heels instead.

BA (Hons) Media Writing and Production

I shall be a film student.

Thursday, July 01, 2004
Astral Projection

A long time ago, I was accosted in the street by a missionary.

Dressed in Orange robes, he was easily identifiable as a follower of Krishna.
He handed me a hardback book about his faith. Out of habit (I was a student) I asked him "how much?". When he told me it was free I handed it back. I was in no mood to acquire a new faith, I was already behind with my course, adding religion would only have stolen more time from me.

There was also a twinge of guilt. Accepting this book and never reading it would have been an affront to my inner librarian, and also a waste of his printing costs.
(I have an inner librarian called Julian, like a voice of reason. He's constantly saying "Shh!" and chastising me for anything I do which isn't reverential to books. For example, when I see someone
turn down a page corner to mark their place, Julian gasps in horror. It was down to his influence that I was one of the student librarians at High School. He created himself after I left a library book in the rain at the age of 9 and had to buy it. I still have the book.)

I told him as much, and, unfazed by my polite refusal, he handed me a much smaller paperback. I felt bad for refusing his first offer, so I reluctantly accepted this one, and slung it into my holdall.

Skip forward a few weeks, and I find it nestled next to the 3 week old carton of goats milk.
(I was suspected of being allergic to cow's milk when I started college, so for the first year I was supplied with a free pint of goat's milk each day. Unfortunately it was supplied to the halls of residence canteen in bulk, so every morning I would be issued with a frozen block of goats milk. This would be unusable until lunchtime, so I used to pop it in my holdall till then. Of course, my memory being what it was (as I fail to recall), I once forgot it was there. For 3 weeks. I noticed a faint "off" sort of smell for a day or two, and then realised with horror that it was from the unopened carton in the side pocket. I headed for the nearest bathroom, whereupon I gingerly removed the bulging carton and emptied the stinky fluorescent green contents away. I never knew milk, even goats milk, could turn that colour. If I wasn't nauseated so much, I might have tried it again...)

It turns out that this book would have cost more than the other from a shop, so I decided I ought to read it. It was entitled "Travel to other Planets!", and eventually I ascertained it was referring to astral projection.

Astral projection is one of those ideas that really appeals. The ability to go somewhere without getting on a plane, or in a car. No pollution, no stress. If only it actually worked!

Imagine offices full of executives sat cross-legged while they have meetings on the other side of the world. Imagine NASA's interplanetary explorations, with one team setting foot on the new frontier while another team in Florida is also there to observe and advise. Imagine a top surgeon guiding the hand of someone thousands of miles away, saving life after life.

I know where I'd be right now, and I'm not telling...

Wednesday, June 30, 2004
Bond Leap, Good News/Bad News


Pierce Brosnan would have been proud. The coach was just about on time for me to catch the train this morning, although if I hadn't taken a running leap in through the doors I would have missed it.
It was just the same on the way back, too.

I'm hoping the line works don't overrun. Two weeks is bad enough, but if it carries on longer...


Good news! The rail replacement bus set off 5 minutes early today! I arrived at Stockport station 10 minutes before the 7:17 was due!

Bad News! The 7:17 is cancelled for the rest of the week! I had to wait for the 7:43, meaning I didn't get to work until 8:40!

Good News! Friday is the last day of disruption between Manchester and Stockport!

Bad News! Monday is the first day of disruption between Manchester and Stoke!

Good News! I can get the train to Wilmslow and change to the replacement bus service for Macclesfield!

Bad News! The half hour journey now takes an hour and a half, so I'll be setting off 5:30am, getting to work at 9-9:30, leaving at 5-5:30pm and getting home at 8:30-9pm!

The upshot is that I need to get a PDA if I want to blog, and then upload it whilst I'm eating my tea and getting ready for bed...


Tuesday, June 29, 2004
My warbly song...

It's not my best recording of it, in fact I think it's rubbish, but here it is anyway...

Indian Giver MP3

Comments, please. I value your opinion!

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