Entry: Still Alive Monday, April 12, 2010

Just about, anyway.

I find it interesting that the more content I am, the less drive I have to write here. Those of you who know me should see the dormant state of this blog as a very good sign.

That said, I do feel a certain twinge of guilt at simply abandoning what was a significant part of my life for a number of years. Occasionally I return, as now, to update any survivors with my comings and goings, which are sadly far less interesting than they used to be. Still, I'm here to tantalise you with a few more thoughts. (By the way, I collected some of my better posts here -  Myebook - The Misapplied Criminal Mind - click here to open my ebook)

I've undergone a paradigm shift in the past twelve months. Whereas I used to be a student, or unemployed, or an IT engineer, now I make films.
That's my job. Except it's much more than that. I spent so much of my early life conforming to expected norms - following a career path which was expected of me - "Oh, he's quite intelligent, he should work in computers." Between the ages of 13 and 31 I subdued the creative side of my brain when it came to who I was. Of course, the magic napalm inevitably spilled out - I was in a band in my spare time. I tried my hand at short films. Eventually the flame was silenced by my circumstances, cramming me into a  square hole like a particularly squishy round peg.
At least, I thought so. As I know now, the flame gained strength whilst submerged, and finally it burst free, engulfing my whole life and leaving me purged.

Looking back now, it's a different life. I barely even recall it as being my own, although I constantly find myself feeling grateful that I have such grist for my mill. I have vague recollections of being dreadfully unhappy - I worked in a job once which I hated so much, I used to sneak off to the bathroom and lie on the carpeted floor for half an hour at a time, gazing blankly at the poorly painted, slowly crumbling ceiling. I remember when getting up for work was enough to put me in a terrible mood for the whole day.

Now I'm happy. All the time. Even when things go wrong, when I'm struggling financially, when people screw me over, I'm still happier than I've ever been. Of course, I'm still capable of incredible, furious anger and frustration, but it's a drop in the ocean of my serenity and joy.

I'm heading to Cannes again in May, and I'm going to be skint for a while, but it's worth it to make connections, absorb film from the air, and most importantly, to remind myself that this is not just what I do. This is who I am.

I am a film maker.


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April 15, 2012   08:03 AM PDT
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May 30, 2010   12:31 AM PDT
Good for you. Too often we live our lives the way someone else wishes us to. Now you will never have to say, "I wish I had...".

I'm new here but I'm going back to read your previous posts.

Good luck, enjoy Cannes.

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